i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
