Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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