cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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