I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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