I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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