I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
