well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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