Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
