fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
