i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
