This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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