i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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