Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
