Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
