i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
