I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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