Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
