Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
