Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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