I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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