he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
