That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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