The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
