i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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