remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
