She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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