I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
