After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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