you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
