seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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