she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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