Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
