Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
