I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
