meet me or not, i'm out of control
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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