his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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