It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
