dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
