The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
