apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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