Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
