Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the jesus of drinking
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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