Soap is not a condiment
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
