I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
