I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Blood and glitter go together right?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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