saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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