You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
