This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
