so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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