This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
