are you still at the devil's house?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
