My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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