Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...