i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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