So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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