the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
