My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
