It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
